“Stay-at-home mother.” The first time I heard that phrase I pictured Frank leaving for work, followed eagerly down the sidewalk by me. “Lisa! Stay...stay...good girl!”
I wanted to become a mother and I wanted to be good at it. I thought it would be impossible to continue working full time and be the best mother I could be. Being a good mother is itself a full-time job, right? So, I would just quit working. For at least the first few years, anyway. I would change my wardrobe and acquire all the necessary accessories, and Sha-zam! I would become A Good Mother.
Wow! Was there ever so wide a gap between expectation and reality? I knew it would be hard, but I was prepared for hard work. I knew there would be sacrifices, major changes in my life — but I thought I would have a natural ability as a mother, and I thought I was going to like it much more than I do. And this was a huge surprise to me. I worked so hard to become a mother! I did, along with thousands of other women in my generation. Women who ingested, injected, in-vitro-ed, prayed, miscarried, carried, adopted, resigned, cut-back and pumped — all in the pursuit of motherhood.
When did becoming a mother go from being a given, to being a goal?
Somewhere between my mother’s generation and mine, I guess. I envy my mother’s generation. They were in some ways protected by the rigid definitions of their time and place. Society’s expectations for women and their own inner expectations were more closely aligned. I, living on this island of liberated, educated, career-wise women, feel estranged not only from my mom, but from my own inner vision of motherhood. Technically, I’m staying-at-home to raise my daughter, the way my mother did. And yet, I’m rarely in. (You can reach me at Starbucks on my cell.) I employ babysitters and cleaning people on a regular basis. Frank and I both do the laundry — I rarely iron. We often eat at restaurants, or order in. I spend nights away from Alice, leaving her with her father. I outsource! My mother never did those things. Being mommy meant doing it all, and enjoying every minute of it. (Or pretending you did.)
So what defines a mother today?
If you find you’re not lovin’ all the 24/7 tasks associated with raising a child, does that mean you’re not a mother? Furthermore, if you hire someone else to perform these tasks, so that you can pursue the things you do love — things that bring you fulfillment and intellectual, emotional and financial rewards — are you still a mother?
If it’s a good thing to realize that Alice needs more than just mommy in order to have a fulfilling life, why is it wrong for me to discover the same thing about myself? The media swears there is a war going on; stay-at-home mothers vs. working mothers. It’s a war of labels! It’s nonsense and, I suspect, mostly a marketing tool. I am not a euphemism. I am mommy. As a mother, I’ll be choosing my daughter’s menu, her clothes, her friends, her neighborhood, her schools, for a long, long time. I can certainly choose a competent, compassionate person to provide care for her while I do different work. And remain, always, Alice’s mother. Her Primary Caregiver!
You don’t stop being the person you were before parenthood. You cannot tivo your old self and return to it when the kids are grown. It is this notion — that you have to give up everything you were to become a mother — that can tear you apart. There is most certainly an ongoing battle between women who work inside the home and those who work outside. But it’s largely happening inside each individual mother’s head. No matter her educational background, upbringing, or position in life, no mother is immune to mother-guilt. Every woman I know is doing the best job she can as a mother — most are doing excellent jobs. Still, they are never entirely satisfied with themselves. They are always striving to give more, do better, in all areas of their lives.
What better gift can I give Alice? What better model for her than to be a mother who knows her child and knows herself, equally. A mother who loves her child and loves herself, equally.
A Good Mother.
This article was originally published in the Premiere issue of The MotherHood, March 2006.
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