POP CULTURE by Lisa Duggan

*This article first appeared in the March 2006 Premiere issue of The MotherHood Magazine. It includes an interview with John Havens, and members of the support group he created exclusively for fathers, called Pop Culture. The group is currently on hiatus — but the story of these evolved dads is as timely and important as ever.

To all the dads out there making a difference in the lives of their families and the parenting culture at-large — we wish each of you a very Happy Fathers' Day!

It turns out that Father does know best.

There is evidence everywhere in women’s lives of the success of the feminist movement. But perhaps it is in the stories of today’s fathers that we see the far-reaching effects of the revolution — a generation of men who fully participate in the raising of their children.

Fathers who change diapers, walk the floors with screaming babies, do the grocery shopping and the laundry, braid hair, help with homework, choose schools and give baths. Maplewood and South Orange, New Jersey abound with these dads. In fact, there is even a group dedicated to their support, cleverly named Pop Culture; its' slogan — “Modern Dadvocacy.”

The group was founded in July 2005 by John C. Havens, a Maplewood dad. Fed up with a negative media portrayal and general lack of respect for fathers, John conceived of “a forum for dads to discuss issues important to them," in a supportive and encouraging community.

“I read an article in the New York Times about ‘The Doofus Dad’ (John Tierney, New York Times, June 18, 2005), and essentially got pretty peeved that dads have so little opportunity for fellowship with other guys who give a hoot about their kids.”

Havens' vision includes 'Pop Culture' becoming a national support movement for men, much like Mothers & More is for women.

Reaching out to friends and neighbors, John persuaded about eight dads to attend initial meetings. John found that, although not all the men attending agree about discipline or marital issues, all are united in working hard to support their families emotionally, as well as financially. His hope is that by giving dads a safe place to vent frustration and share experiences they can become better fathers and partners.

I sat in on the November 2005 meeting at a local diner.

Four local dads attended, with John acting as moderator. The dads ranged in age from early thirties to early forties. Out of five men, only one was a full-time, stay-at-home father. The forum for the meeting allows each father a turn in speaking about either a problem, or a highlight, that they've experienced in their parenting. The group listens and offers advice, often by relating how they had resolved a similar situation.

*The names of the fathers are changed here to protect their privacy.

Joe*, father of a two-year-old son and five-month-old daughter, began. Joe works as a network administrator and admits, “Technology is my thing. Last week, my wife and I were in the living room. Suddenly I hear sounds coming from the other room, and it was the sound of one of my son’s computer games — he somehow found the icon on the laptop and navigated through the start of the game. I turned to my wife and said, ‘I think I have to buy another computer now!’” Joe reported the story with obvious pride. The group listened and laughed along with him. “He knows how to get to his favorites in Internet Explorer — he can find all the things he likes to play with — it’s unbelievable.”

Jerry* is the father of two girls, eight and ten. He relates a story about helping his older daughter with her homework. “Usually math is the root of the problem.” He described a moment where his daughter came to a problem she couldn’t solve and wanted to stop working altogether. “Often if she gets stuck on something, I’ll suggest she move onto to something else, like the reading or the writing, which she is stronger at. But today, she wouldn’t go onto something else.” Jerry momentarily lost his calm and expressed to the group his regret at having done so. “You feel bad, you know it’s not what you want. ” An hour later, his daughter was snuggling on the couch with him, looking at photos. “If you [do] have some kind of bond, they really do come around.”

The group’s one and only stay-at-home dad, Harry*, is the father of two boys, a one year old and a three year old. He related an uncomfortable vacation spent with his wife’s family. “Discipline with other people’s children is kind of my topic.” Harry found himself at a loss when confronted with what he considered bad behavior on his nephew’s part. “He would be doing something with my boy that I would be on top of right away. But because he’s not my son, I would have to let him continue, as long as he wasn’t killing himself or harming somebody.” Harry did not feel he could discuss the problem with his in-laws, nor did his wife. “For the whole week, I basically bit my tongue.” He wondered out loud if he should step in and discipline a child when the parents were present and weren’t doing so themselves. What were the rules?

Tom*, father of twin two-year old boys, talked about teaching table manners. “My wife had gotten home earlier than me and had made dinner. I come home with the boys and they’re ready to eat. For about 15 minutes it’s a constant, ‘I want this!’— we don’t get to sit down because one or the other wants something.” Tom and his wife made it through dinner and discussed afterward how to change the situation. They agreed to work to establish better boundaries and negate any power struggles around food. “Maybe we need to provide a tray meal (as we call them), where we put as much stuff on the tray and give it to them and say, ‘This is what you have to eat.’ The whole idea of us being short order cooks today has got to stop. They’ve got to know that.”

During the meeting the fathers listened thoughtfully to one another. In general, they didn’t interrupt and when they did respond their comments were usually insightful and helpful. Questions were asked carefully, with the intention of encouraging each father to keep talking. I felt that each dad was honestly reviewing his own actions while suspending judgment, on himself, as well as the other fathers.

John Havens has a three-year-old son and nine-month-old daughter. During Pop Culture meetings, he alternates between sharing his own parenting experiences and asking questions that encourage the group to elaborate on what they’ve just shared. At the conclusion of their regular format I persuaded these busy dads to stay for a few questions of my own (and a second helping of chocolate cake.)

LD: Why did you join this group, 'Pop Culture'?

Joe: Support; wanting to make sure I’m not the only one feeling this way or going through this.

Jerry: I always look at all of these parenting magazines, and I feel they should all be called Mom-Magazines. I stopped reading them a long time ago — even the Father’s Day issue has one article for dads. So, I said, this is great because I think there needs to be something out there for dads.

Harry: Because I’m a stay-at-home father in a women’s world, I don’t have a lot of social opportunities. I come here and I tend to talk a lot because I don’t talk a lot during the day except to my kids.

LD: What other types of support have you found for fathers?

Jerry: Truthfully? Not much. I think that today, even in this modern society, people just don’t think that a man does certain things. For instance, I braid my daughter’s hair. People hear that and they say, ‘You braid your daughter’s hair!?’ — I still have one woman that to this day thinks I’m kidding.

LD: Do you think that there are more men who want to join, but are inhibited – that they are holding onto their own gender stereotypes?

Harry: I’m sure that there are a lot of people that don’t know that they can be different - they only know one way to be. I see a lot of that being a stay-at-home dad.

John Havens: I read a fascinating article in one of the big business magazines that talked about how we work 60-70 hours a week. Some of the men described in the article work days much longer than a standard 9 to 5, and I think that those are the guys that would understandably benefit from this group. But they would be the last to join. That’s a big obstacle — the nature of work.

Tom: When I was younger, my mother co-owned a toy store specifically for non-sexist toys. This was in the 70’s, so it was a long time ago. All of the packaging they had on the toys was non-sexist. Girls or boys, whatever the item was. I grew up with that background, so for me it is not surprising that there are stay-at-home dads.

Joe: Before I had kids, I thought it would be cool if I could be a stay-at-home dad, but now I don’t think I could do it. My wife can be away from the kids for four hours and look forward to being with them when she returns; I can be away from the kids from two days and come home and spend three hours with them and say, OK, I need a break. When they were two or three I could see it, but certainly with infants, no.

I don’t know if society is ready for these fully participating Dads, but the question may be moot — they’re here, and they’re already training the next generation of parents — sons and daughters who will expect fathers to do more than bring home a paycheck.

Children who will grow up willing and able to equally divide the emotional, as well as the physical work of parenting.


John C. Havens is now Vice President of Partnership Marketing and Integration at BlogTalkRadio and co-author, along with Shel Holtz, of Tactical Transparency: How Leaders Can Leverage Social Media to Maximize Value and Build their Brand. He is also Lead Organizer of PodCamp NYC, a social media "unconference".
Follow John on Twitter at johnchavens.