"An eating disorder is dangerous and it can kill you. You can also live a long, happy life if you fight it."
For over a decade, Stacey*, who is now 26, has been struggling with the serious and debilitating eating disorders of Anorexia and Bulimia (*not her real name). The years of starving, binging, using laxatives and compulsively exercising have taken their toll on Stacey’s physical and mental health. Last fall, she describes hitting “rock bottom” when she started purging (vomiting after eating large volumes of food), something she had never done before. While this “disgusted” her, it also motivated her, for the first time in her life, to seek out hospitalization. Her four prior hospitalizations were orchestrated by her parents.
I met up with Stacey to learn more about her story. She shared thoughts on her own eating disorder and on what parents should know about eating disorders. Stacey also agreed to share with MotherHood readers a letter she wrote to high school students as part of recovery. We begin with her letter, followed by our interview.
I am a 26-year-old young woman writing to you from a treatment center. I am in a type of hospital that is helping to heal my mind and body. I suffer from Anorexia and Bulimia, which are two types of eating disorders.
When I look at my body, I see it as fat no matter how much weight I lose. I can’t see my body shape as others do. Because I think I am fat, I’ve developed unhealthy eating and exercise habits. I have tried to get thinner by fasting or barely giving my body the calories it needs to be strong and healthy. If I get really hungry or feel sad, lonely, or stressed, I may eat a lot of junk food. This causes me to feel guilty and fat. To get rid of the guilt, I then purge. The ways I have purged are by making myself vomit, abusing laxatives, and over exercising. Laxatives are pills that make you go to the bathroom a lot and deplete your body of water and nutrients. All of these behaviors are dangerous. Anorexia is restricting your calories or intake of food. Bulimia is binging and purging. Having an eating disorder is not a fun way to live. It is sad and painful and does a lot of damage to the inside of your body.
I have had and eating disorder for thirteen years and have lost a lot, and I’m not talking about the weight. I have missed a couple of years of school, started college later than all of my friends, missed parties, family gatherings, many holidays, and the list can go on. To sum it up, I’ve been missing out on life.
Sometimes it takes time for one to realize he or she has an eating disorder. You can help protect yourself by learning to accept and love yourself just the way you are, making healthy food choices, eating well-balanced meals, and having snack foods in moderation. If you worry about your weight or size, talk to a parent or pediatrician. Check in with them. Chances are you do not see what others see. If you do have a weight problem an eating disorder is not the answer. You are all growing and it is important that your bodies get enough of the nutrients they need. Talk to the doctor about your worries. Never take matters into your own hands.
If you think you already have an eating disorder, you must talk to an adult; parent, teacher, doctor, or guidance counselor. Get help before the problem snowballs.
An eating disorder is dangerous and it can kill you. You can also live a long, happy life if you fight it. What I am trying to say is that you must be educated and aware when it comes to eating disorders. Never be afraid to ask for help or get help for a friend. Your health and life are important. You matter.
I only wish someone wrote me this letter when I was your age so I would know what to watch out for. Maybe I would not be so tired of fighting this illness so hard and for so long. I hope my words have helped you. I know that this letter has helped me, and I thank you for it.
I met up with Stacey to learn more about her story. She shared thoughts on her own eating disorder and on what parents should know about eating disorders. Stacey also agreed to share with MotherHood readers a letter she wrote to high school students as part of recovery. We begin with her letter, followed by our interview.
Dear Students,
I am a 26-year-old young woman writing to you from a treatment center. I am in a type of hospital that is helping to heal my mind and body. I suffer from Anorexia and Bulimia, which are two types of eating disorders.
When I look at my body, I see it as fat no matter how much weight I lose. I can’t see my body shape as others do. Because I think I am fat, I’ve developed unhealthy eating and exercise habits. I have tried to get thinner by fasting or barely giving my body the calories it needs to be strong and healthy. If I get really hungry or feel sad, lonely, or stressed, I may eat a lot of junk food. This causes me to feel guilty and fat. To get rid of the guilt, I then purge. The ways I have purged are by making myself vomit, abusing laxatives, and over exercising. Laxatives are pills that make you go to the bathroom a lot and deplete your body of water and nutrients. All of these behaviors are dangerous. Anorexia is restricting your calories or intake of food. Bulimia is binging and purging. Having an eating disorder is not a fun way to live. It is sad and painful and does a lot of damage to the inside of your body.
I have had and eating disorder for thirteen years and have lost a lot, and I’m not talking about the weight. I have missed a couple of years of school, started college later than all of my friends, missed parties, family gatherings, many holidays, and the list can go on. To sum it up, I’ve been missing out on life.
Sometimes it takes time for one to realize he or she has an eating disorder. You can help protect yourself by learning to accept and love yourself just the way you are, making healthy food choices, eating well-balanced meals, and having snack foods in moderation. If you worry about your weight or size, talk to a parent or pediatrician. Check in with them. Chances are you do not see what others see. If you do have a weight problem an eating disorder is not the answer. You are all growing and it is important that your bodies get enough of the nutrients they need. Talk to the doctor about your worries. Never take matters into your own hands.
If you think you already have an eating disorder, you must talk to an adult; parent, teacher, doctor, or guidance counselor. Get help before the problem snowballs.
An eating disorder is dangerous and it can kill you. You can also live a long, happy life if you fight it. What I am trying to say is that you must be educated and aware when it comes to eating disorders. Never be afraid to ask for help or get help for a friend. Your health and life are important. You matter.
I only wish someone wrote me this letter when I was your age so I would know what to watch out for. Maybe I would not be so tired of fighting this illness so hard and for so long. I hope my words have helped you. I know that this letter has helped me, and I thank you for it.
Best wishes,
Stacey
********************************************************* Stacey
How did your eating disorder began?
In third grade, I started becoming obsessed with weight, particularly my thighs and stomach. In my head, I thought that I was fat.
Do you know where that idea came from?
I grew-up with a very skinny younger sister. Everyone would constantly grab her wrist and say, “Oh my god, you’re so skinny.” I figured that if no one said that to me, then I must be the “fat sister.” When I was around eleven, my grandmother took me aside and told me, “You want to be careful about what you eat, because I know you are a good eater, but you look like you are filling out a little bit.”
In her early teens, Stacey struggled with the changes occurring in her life: new schools, shifting friendships and fluctuating moods. Life at home intensified when her dad lost his job and her family was plagued by illness and death of several extended family members. Her mother became very depressed. Neither parent was emotionally available for Stacey. Stacey’s desire to gain some control in her life began to play out around her weight and food intake.
How did your eating disorder progress in high school?
I felt fat, and I’d look at the other girls and think, “Oh, they look so skinny.” There was a lot of dieting going on around me. [In reality] I had hit my growth spurt was actually quite skinny. I also noticed that my mom wasn’t really eating.
Because she was depressed?
Yeah. And, I had this obsession where everyone else had to eat more than me. So, when I saw her not eating, I felt like I couldn’t eat much, and that’s when it started to spiral, the body stuff, and the weight.
How was food presented to you in your house?
Junk food was very limited. Occasionally my dad would buy sugared cereals, but we didn’t have access to many snack foods. Snacks were very controlled. Dessert was not allowed until we ate all of our dinner. After my father started a new job, we didn’t have many family meals together.
Was anyone noticing your mood changes and the fact that you were going through a hard time and restricting your food intake?
I feel that my parents were very oblivious. I was home alone a lot after school, so it was easy to not eat [without being noticed]. I’d exercise in my room for hours. My priority was Skinny, Schoolwork, and then everything else. One time my friend said something to my Dad as we were reading an article called “Top 10 Signs That You Have an Eating Disorder.” But he didn’t take her seriously.
I grew-up with a very skinny younger sister. Everyone would constantly grab her wrist and say, “Oh my god, you’re so skinny.” I figured that if no one said that to me, then I must be the “fat sister.” When I was around eleven, my grandmother took me aside and told me, “You want to be careful about what you eat, because I know you are a good eater, but you look like you are filling out a little bit.”
In her early teens, Stacey struggled with the changes occurring in her life: new schools, shifting friendships and fluctuating moods. Life at home intensified when her dad lost his job and her family was plagued by illness and death of several extended family members. Her mother became very depressed. Neither parent was emotionally available for Stacey. Stacey’s desire to gain some control in her life began to play out around her weight and food intake.
How did your eating disorder progress in high school?
I felt fat, and I’d look at the other girls and think, “Oh, they look so skinny.” There was a lot of dieting going on around me. [In reality] I had hit my growth spurt was actually quite skinny. I also noticed that my mom wasn’t really eating.
Because she was depressed?
Yeah. And, I had this obsession where everyone else had to eat more than me. So, when I saw her not eating, I felt like I couldn’t eat much, and that’s when it started to spiral, the body stuff, and the weight.
How was food presented to you in your house?
Junk food was very limited. Occasionally my dad would buy sugared cereals, but we didn’t have access to many snack foods. Snacks were very controlled. Dessert was not allowed until we ate all of our dinner. After my father started a new job, we didn’t have many family meals together.
Was anyone noticing your mood changes and the fact that you were going through a hard time and restricting your food intake?
I feel that my parents were very oblivious. I was home alone a lot after school, so it was easy to not eat [without being noticed]. I’d exercise in my room for hours. My priority was Skinny, Schoolwork, and then everything else. One time my friend said something to my Dad as we were reading an article called “Top 10 Signs That You Have an Eating Disorder.” But he didn’t take her seriously.
Then, my grandmother either noticed me being picky at dinner or that I had lost weight, and she spoke to my parents. My mom then took me to the pediatrician, who weighed me and counseled me. She developed a plan for me to gain weight by a certain time, but I actually lost weight. Then my dance teacher noticed that I had lost way too much weight. She called my parents with a recommendation for a therapist, who I started seeing. I was resentful, I wasn’t cooperative and I didn’t want to be there.
Stacey continued to be monitored regularly by her pediatrician. A few months later, when her weight dropped further and her vital signs were poor, the doctor recommended inpatient hospitalization. For the next three years, between 10th and 12th grade, Stacey’s parents hospitalized her on four separate occasions, for months at a time. Despite her long-term absences from school, she graduated on time and was 10th in her class.
Throughout college, her disease progressed from anorexia to cycles of compulsive overeating and fasting, and gradually she gained over 50 pounds.
So, last year, for the first time ever in your life, you sought help on your own.
Yes, for the first time ever, I said to myself, “I can’t live like this.” I just wanted to be able to get my life together. [This time] I had hope. This was the most lenient place that I had been to. I didn’t feel so controlled and the therapy was really good. They really helped me change my outlook on food. I started to develop a picture of a life . . . that there was something more to me [than the eating disorder].
Throughout college, her disease progressed from anorexia to cycles of compulsive overeating and fasting, and gradually she gained over 50 pounds.
So, last year, for the first time ever in your life, you sought help on your own.
Yes, for the first time ever, I said to myself, “I can’t live like this.” I just wanted to be able to get my life together. [This time] I had hope. This was the most lenient place that I had been to. I didn’t feel so controlled and the therapy was really good. They really helped me change my outlook on food. I started to develop a picture of a life . . . that there was something more to me [than the eating disorder].
What was the hardest part of your recovery?
Really giving up my control, or perceived control, and bringing myself to the hospital this last time - throwing my hands up and surrendering. That was the hardest part. I realized that I had to look beyond the food, that it’s not just about the food and weight. It was the hardest thing ever to say that I wanted to get better. [The desire] to get better felt like a betrayal of the eating disorder, because it was like a best friend for so many years of my life.
Sounds like the writing of the letter and the overall program was helpful to you?
Yeah, when I came home, I was in such a better place than I’ve ever been in my life. There were so many people there who were so supportive. My friends were crying when I left. I never before realized that I had that kind of impact on people.
I did really well when I got back, but I slid back. It’s very frustrating to slide back, especially when I’ve come so close to breathing fresh air.
Is the expectation that sliding back is part of the healing process?
Yeah, it is. Nothing is going to be perfect. There are going to be ups and downs.
What are your recommendations for parents?
- Nurture your children’s creativity and desires.
- Allow your children to have a voice, to ask for what they need.
- Develop a good relationship with your children based on trust.
- Allow room for the “gray”; avoid black and white thinking.
- Have family dinners together and stress healthy eating. Teach your children how to eat by eating it too.
- Don’t focus on your children’s weight or outside appearance, rather, focus on their health.
- Listen and tolerate your children’s feelings, the good and the bad.
- Limit the negative opinions regarding your children’s interests.
- Don’t reject your child for having a difference of opinion.
- Monitor access to television shows and magazines [where images of young women are distorted].
This article was originally published in the November 2006 issue of The MotherHood. Laura Van Dyke is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who generously donated her time and expertise as an executive editor and writer for the magazine.
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If you, or someone you know, would like more information about Eating Disorders and Treatment Programs, please contact the following:
Eating Disorders Association of New Jersey
Information and Resources
800-522-2230
www.edanj.org
University Medical Center at Princeton
Eating Disorders Program
Inpatient and Partial Hospitalization Programs
609-497-4490
www.princetonhcs.org
The Renfrew Center Foundation
Residential and Intensive Outpatient Programs
877-367-3383
www.renfrewcenter.com
Somerset Medical Center
Eating Disorders Program
Inpatient, Partial Hospitalization, Intensive Outpatient Program, Weekly Support Groups
800-914-9444
www.smchealthwise.com/body
Overeaters Anonymous
Northern New Jersey: Bergen, Passaic, Hudson and Essex Counties
973-746-8787
http://www.njioa.org
Overeaters Anonymous National information
http://www.oa.org/index.htm
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