SEX AFTER PARENTHOOD

In 2008 we conducted a very unscientific survey of the sexual habits of our parent—readers. 

Today I was reminded of the survey when I read a post titled What Real Men Consider Sexy on a site called Anonymous8. The site was started by a group of friends—8 women—who took their private conversations about topics like Hair Down There to Marriage’s Most Manageable Secret and decided to make them public. (Lucky for us!)

Enjoy here the anonymous postings on sex from The MotherHood readers, then visit Anonymous8 to read about sex and marriage, and everything in between.

THE MOTHERHOOD'S DECIDEDLY

UNSCIENTIFIC SEX SURVEY

Does having kids equal the end of pleasure for parents?   Is there sex after parenthood?

To find the answer, we designed a completely unscientific and absolutely biased ten-question survey for our readers. The results were very interesting. And the answers completely anonymous.

I excerpt them here for your enjoyment.

SEX AFTER MOTHERHOOD

Number of women responding: 44 out of 65

Conclusion:  Moms still interested in having, and talking, about sex.

SEX AFTER FATHERHOOD

Number of men responding: 8 out of 44 (Eight!)

Conclusion:  Hmmm. Hard to draw conclusions based on 8 responses!  (So few men responded that I printed their answers directly under the Mom’s responses, but only the interesting ones.)

THE STATISTICAL (BORING) QUESTIONS:

1.  How many children do you have?

(44 of 44 responding)

16 have one

23 have two

4 have three

1 has four (God Bless her!)

2.  Are you currently in a steady relationship?

(43 of 44 responding)

yes: 42

no: 1

No Dads answered question number 1 or 2!

3.  How often were you having sex before you became a parent?

(44 of 44 Moms polled responding)

1x per month or less: 6

1-2x week: 28

3x or more per week: 8

A “Samantha from Sex-and-the-City” frequency: 2

Dads:

(8 of 8 responding)

1-2x week: 3

3x or more per week: 5

4.  How often are you having sex now (post-parenthood)?

(44 of 44 Moms polled responding)

1-2x per month or less: 29

1-2x per week: 10

3x or more per week: 4

Every day: 1

Dads:

(8 of 8 responding)

1-2x per month or less: 5 (I’m guessing this is the same 5 guys from answer number 3, above.)

1-2x per week: 3

8.  How often do you masturbate?

Moms:

(41 of 44 responding)

Never have, never will: 6

1x per week: 22

More than 1x per week: 8

I’m having so much fun with myself it’s a miracle when I leave the house: 5

Dads:

(8 of 8 responding)

Never have, never will: 1

1x per week: 2

More than 1x per week: 1

I’m having so much fun with myself it’s a miracle when I leave the house: 4

BEST OF THE ESSAY QUESTIONS:

PRINT AND CUT-OUT HERE TO SHARE WITH PARTNER   ;  )

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What purpose does sex serve in your life (why do you have sex)?

DADS

 “I love it and my wife is hot. No permanent body changes due to childbirth [that] are for the worse.”

“Intimacy, relieving sexual urges.”

“Fun.”

“Fun, fun, fun — ’til your daddy takes the T-bird away!”

MOMS

 “Because I ENJOY it! It also helps me and my partner stay connected. It helps keep the creative, free-flow of everything moving.”

“Definitely need it for sanity purposes, just wish I could use someone else every now and then!”

“Because husband wants to – I feel guilty if I don't.”

“To feel close to my husband, because sex feels good, because it ‘clears out the cobwebs,’ because my husband and I are attracted to each other and want it.”

“Marriage connection; feels adult-like in a sea of otherwise child-centered world that we live in right now.”

“The intimacy, connecting with husband, and the release and pleasure of it all.”

“Regain intimacy. We both get punchy with each other when we don't.”

“To try to have another child.”

“To shut him up.”

What do you like about sex?

DADS

“Everything.”

“My beloved's body.”

“E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Start to finish, from the first devilish thought to the anticipation of the climax- giving and receiving of the pleasure. Experiencing how different it can be each time...”

MOMS

“It feels reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally gooooooood.”

“The climax.”

“The 60 seconds [that] my husband is completely emotionally raw right after sex & ORGASMS (I never had them before kids)!”

“Not too much.  The very end — then I know I’m ‘free’ the next couple of nights.”

“[We] remember what attracted us in the first place.”

“What's not to like?”

“The complete attention I have from my husband.”

“The intimacy it creates; love foreplay; the Big O, of course!”

“It does feel oh-so-good when it's right.”

“Connects me with my husband, gets me a free nap afterward, and usually feels great.”

What do you hate about sex?

DADS

“Are you joking?”

“The resulting mess.”

 “When it's over.”

“Can't have it when I want it.....getting timing right.”

“Nothing.”

“The return to reality- clean up, kids will be up soon, work and how long must I wait to do that again?”

MOMS

“The long drawn out sex, it makes me sick.”

“Having to ask for it... husbands should never be too tired or stressed to put out!”

“How it takes up time, i.e. when I know I should be going to sleep so I can function with the kids the following day. And having to get out of bed (after being all comfy) to clean-up, use the bathroom, etc.”

“Often I get fleeting thoughts of ‘I'd like to have sex tonight’ right before drift off to sleep. It's a lack of energy rather than a lack of interest.”

“SLOW foreplay.”

“Trying to get excited when not in the mood.”

“I hate when it can feel obligatory, he's into, but I'm not, so I feel guilty and give in. I hate when it's routine, which is 90% of the time. It's always so much of the same-old that I've really decided to become less demanding in my expectations for a quality sex life, then I realize how strange that is. I think my husband and I mutually have more invested in other activities than in our sex with each other. Sometimes I can see that my husband cares and puts more effort into his tennis game than being a great lover! I do the same in other things. I guess that tells you how complicated sex can be between two people, and I think ‘success’ depends greatly on the kind of intimacy you share overall.”

“The feeling that it is a chore that is just another think I am ‘required’ to do to be a good ‘wife.’”

“My husband comes too quickly.”

“I'm just so darn tired it's always the same yawn.”

“Being rejected when I initiate - basically I no longer initiate.”

“When the idea of it makes me feel lazy or when in a bad communication phase with partner, it can maybe be a little bleak.”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“The after-cleanup.”

Describe the ideal conditions necessary to put you in the mood for sex (i.e., the dishes are put away and so are the kids)

DADS

“There really is no exclusion criteria.”

 “Awake.”

“Just worked out and feeling fit....the house is calm.”

MOMS

 “Any type of liquor always helps! And kids have to be sleeping, they are too big and nosey!”

“Alcohol. A sex scene. Heck, if I haven't had sex in a while, the wind will turn me on.”

“Someone other than my husband.”

“Kids at my parents, definitely. I'm just still not accustomed to making time for anything in my life besides the two of them, their day, their needs, etc...so, we really do have to have a day to ourselves for me to feel totally relaxed enough to think about it.”

“Rested and on good terms (everyone feeling loved and appreciated).”

“Housekeeping done; child in bed or being babysat with grandparents; no worries and on good terms with hubby.”

“Kids are asleep, I'm awake. I mean, really awake.”

“Domestic chores done without nagging = foreplay enough physical rest = mood setting romantic date = great possibilities.”

“The house is clean; I’ve done all my errands; I'm a little tipsy.”

“The house is clean, my daughter is sleeping at someone else's house and my husband and I have been out to see or hear something fun & stimulating and/or to a nice dinner with real utensils and alcohol.”

“I'm not asleep ;-)”

“So long as I'm not angry with my husband about something, I'm in the mood.”

“My partner has been emotionally and mentally there for me. When he's been so busy and gruff, I'm completely put off.”

“Both of us are in a good mood, the child is in front of the TV (or another state), and the husband is determined to make it happen.”

Is there any one thing your partner does now, or you would like them to do, that would turn you on?

DADS

“Oral sex and anal sex would be nice from time to time. There really is no reason to have to now go through life without that.”

“Breathe.”

“Became a massage therapist and gave me a pro massage.”

“When she returns from the ladies room at a restaurant and she drops her thong in my lap as she sits down.”

“No partner (currently). I, however, do everything right.”

MOMS

 “This is anonymous, right? When I have a partner, I like to be woken up to sex, whether he's going to town or already inside me when I come to reality. I think I'll go play with myself now...”

“Spend more time with me beforehand so I don't feel like I'm in bed with a stranger. Get me drunk, ply me with chocolate, show humor + confidence.”

“When he initiates and is really ‘into’ it (like when he moans when he goes down on me, nothing is sexier than knowing he gets off by making me cum) — sorry to be so graphic...I couldn't help it!”

“He is a total turn-on...and a total "pleaser"...and I'm sorry I don't give him as much sex as he wants/needs; it's easier for men to say "forget everything else" and just relax (or else they don't need to be relaxed to have sex and enjoy it!!)”

“Anything is better than waking me up when I’m sleeping!”

“Leave me alone.”

“Make me feel like I'm wonderful.”

“Speak tenderly and be thoughtful —even when he's not trying to turn me on.”

“It's great when my partner is aggressive; it's sexy and is just the thing I need to snap me out of my end-of-day lethargy.”

“Oral sex is a must for me (reciprocal is what gets me going). Without it I don't orgasm. I would also like husband to be more romantic and pay more attention to me like he did when we were just dating.”

“Help more (with everything!)”

“I try to get my husband to wear boxer shorts (he's a tighty-whitey guy), which I think are sexy. Also, I'd like it if he initiated more (I'm more the aggressor). I love it when he gropes me during random times during the day or passionately kisses me on the neck even when it can't lead to sex.”

“When he looks directly at me and I can see that he loves me.”

“Be more affectionate: do little things like, hold my hand as we walk, more hugs and kisses, a little squeeze now and again.”

“If I were picking theme song lyrics to describe [us], I might be a bit more ‘Wham, bam, thank-you m'am’ - my husband is a more ‘In Your Eyes.’”

“I would like him to clean the dishes and make dinner. He never makes dinner, but does the dishes often.”

“Grab me.”

“I'd like him to be adventurous, surprise me with something like lingerie or a dirty email —that never happens.  Also, a manicure would be greatly appreciated!”

“Touch and caress me.”

“Clean up after himself.”

“Act out fantasies without freaking out. Sex is every bit as much, if not more, of a mind-thing as a physical-thing. Removing the freaking out part and just playing would be a huge turn on.”

“He once lit candles and gave me a 45 minute full body massage to get me in the mood...it worked!”

“Improved emotional connection would help a lot...as a stay-at-home mom, I need his support and compassion.”