MAMMAS, DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE UNHAPPY, REPRESSED COWBOYS by Angelo Andreatos

Becoming a parent forces you to examine your deeply held beliefs; it can also force you to confront your deeply held prejudices. 

We want to teach our children tolerance and love, but what if we suspect they might be gay — can we practice what we preach?

ANGELO ANDREATOS wants to have a word or two with all parents in the hopes of saving everyone a lot of heartache.

This article was originally published in the May 2006 issue of The MotherHood magazine. It is reprinted here with permission from the author.

WHAT IF you start noticing that your son always washes his hands, or desperately wants to soon after getting them dirty? What if all the men of your family gather talking in one room, but your boy always winds up in another room, with the women? What if your ten year-old son asks if it’s okay to love his friend Kennie? What if your son goes to the football game with his older male cousin and, when the girls in the stands form a kickline, he joins in and kicks just as high (or even higher) than the girls? And he has a blast doing it, because he’s too young to be conscious of gender issues?

What if you suspect your child is going “over the rainbow”? Could your love follow?

What is it like to have a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child? My mother told me when I was quite young: “Mommy and Daddy will always love you, no matter what — you can come to us with anything and it’ll be ok.” And: “There isn’t anything you could ever say to us that would make us stop loving you.”

I first came to grips with being gay about twenty-four years ago. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was twenty-two, although I didn’t verbalize my sexuality to my family for several more years. But I brought my boyfriend to their house anyway. I was proud of him, proud of me. I was happy to be bitten by the love bug. When I did come out it was dramatic — like when Scarlet pulls the carrot out of the ground and declares, “I swear I’ll never be hungry again!” (Or was it something about birthing babies?) In any event, I was Scarlet, and it definitely was a scene.

Since then I’ve been told by these same parents, the people who are supposed to love me the most in the world, that (a) I’m abnormal, and (b) my partner is not on an equal level to my sister’s husband. In fact, on several occasions they have described Stephen — my partner of fourteen years — as a “friend of the family.”

In my mother’s eyes there is a pre-gay Angelo, and he’s only a memory to be conjured up when reminiscing about loved ones who have moved onto the next world — the world of the dead.  My parents, and possibly my sister too, mourn the death of “the straight Angelo”.

Does my family really believe there is a pre-gay Angelo? 

I’ve come to realize that if parents have spent any time at all with their child – even one day – they will know that their child is gay long before the child figures it out. Whether or not the parents choose to accept that reality will determine how much pain everyone will feel — how much therapy & Edy’s ice cream will be needed.

What if my parents had chosen to accept the fact that I was gay? What if I had the chance to tell them how they should have treated me when I came out to them, and how they should treat me today? Perhaps the tears my parents and I cried don’t have to be in vain, and will serve you. Perhaps there don’t have to be so many tears — perhaps none at all.

Well, this article is my chance. So here goes:

Don’t love us any less. That’s my plea.

Don’t grieve for yourself, or your child. Love your child no differently than you did before you realized they were gay. All children need these things to grow: unconditional love, respect, acceptance and support. The unconditional part is most crucial.

A child’s need for unconditional love is just as basic as the need for food and water.

Love your child.

Never treat your gay child differently than you do your other children. Instruct your other children not to change the way they treat their gay sibling. Tell all of your children that as long as they live under your roof, you’ll put up with no less. And while you’re at it, let your extended family know that you will not tolerate any mistreatment of your child. Your child’s emotional health should be more important than what anyone else thinks.

Just love your child.

I know you mean well, but don’t pressure your boys to play baseball, or football, or hockey, if they don’t want to play. It’s not the end of the world for you, or them. Support them in participating in any school activity or civic organization that they do like.

Remember that your child is not sick and does not need to see a shrink. If you’re having a problem dealing with your child’s sexuality, take yourself to a therapist.

However, you may ask your son or daughter if they would like to see a therapist. Not because they’re crazy, but as a means of support in navigating a cruel and biased world. Explore with your child the many support groups that exist, like The Gay/Straight Alliance and P-Flag: Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays. (See list below for additional resources.)

Explain that they need to start forming their own support networks. When they come out to the world, they might start losing friends. Let them know that you will always be there for them. Mean it.

Love your child.

Stay strong, be a role model for your entire family. It’s not easy growing up with very few positive gay role models, although there are more today than ever before. But love from one’s parents will always mean more than anything a role model can provide. And you could wind up being a role model for another friend or family member facing a similar situation.

Parents, family members — you did not make your child gay.

Your child is not gay to spite you or the rest of your family. Which brings me to my final point, on the question of choice. As a gay man the only choice I’ve ever had was the choice between accepting my sexual orientation and denying it. And to deny it would have been tragic and suicidal. I could have gotten married — fought over who was going to wear the dress, had 2.5 children — and totally screwed up everyone’s life.

Parents: love your children. Proudly, whole-heartedly.

Tell them to hold their head up high and think no less of themselves because of their sexuality.

It’s not going to be easy. But what’s the alternative? To lose your son or daughter, forever?

Just love your child.

Angelo is a writer and artist living in Northern New Jersey.

FINDING SUPPORT IN YOUR COMMUNITY

There are many local and national support groups for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teens and families. Following is a partial list.

These groups were found on The New Jersey Coalition for Gay & Lesbian Youth website.

To find support groups in your area, we recommend searching under “gay support groups + city name".

Gay and Lesbian Youth in New Jersey (GALY-NJ)

South Orange Chapter
First Presbyterian & Trinity Church
111 Irvington Ave.
South Orange, New Jersey 07079

Meets from 1:30-4:30 p.m. on Saturdays.

New Brunswick Chapter
The Pride Center
1048 Livingston Ave.
New Brunswick, NJ 08903

Meets from 2-5 p.m. pm on the first, second and third Saturdays of the month."

For more information about the chapters, call Gay Activist Alliance in Morris County (GAAMC) in the evening at (973) 285-1595 or http://www.galynj.org on the web.

HiTOPS
21 Wiggins Street
Princeton, NJ 08873
Tel: (609) 683-5155
Fax: (609) 683-9507
Email: hitops@hitops.org
Web: http://www.hitops.org

Keeping It Safe (KIS)
514 Cooper St.
Camden, New Jersey 08102
Phone: (856) 963-2432
Email: little_m@camden-ahec.org

This is a social support group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered youth. 

Meets at 6 p.m. on Wednesdays.

Pride Center of New Jersey, GLBT Community Center
1048 Livingston Avenue
North Brunswick, NJ 08902
Tel: 732-846-2232
Email: info@pridecenter.org
Web: http://www.pridecenter.org

This center has a lending library and is a resource center for all age groups. In addition, it provides meeting space to numerous GLBT groups & organizations. Check the website for groups meeting here.

Under the Rainbow
The Pride Center
1048 Livingston Ave.
New Brunswick, New Jersey 08903
Phone: (732) 846-2232.

This organization provides support and socializing for the eighteen through twenty-five year-old gay and lesbian population. Meets at 7:30 p.m. on Fridays.

New York City:

Youth Enrichment Services (YES)
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Center
208 West 13th St.
New York, NY 10011
Phone: (212) 620-7310
Deaf and hearing impaired callers can reach the Center through the NY State Relay Service: (800) 662-1220 (TDD/TTY) (800) 421-1220 (voice) Email: info@gaycenter.org
Web: http://www.gaycenter.org

This program provides lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth under the age of twenty-two with opportunities for support, community building and self-exploration in a safe, drug- and alcohol-free environment. There are weekly workshops in writing, visual arts, theater, video, media outreach and leadership development. In addition, YES provides counseling for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth and offers coming out support groups. YES also offers a weekly program for young women, the Friday Night Young Women's Rap Group.