Freedom From the Burden of Responsibility by Rita Desnoyers-Garcia

* GUEST POST *
Today, we welcome guest-blogger Rita Desnoyers-Garcia.

AS mothers we are programmed to be responsible. We have children. We have a household. Many times we also have work "outside the home" — a business, job, or career. We have our extended families. Community work. The list could go on and on. And even with all that we do, we often take on more because, perhaps, we still have a minute or two left in our schedule!

Mothers are not alone in their responsibilities but there seems to be a different "flavor" to a mothers' responsibilities: it is the notion that if any one of our jobs is not going exactly the way it "should," then we are somehow not good mothers. And what a set-up that is!

This week I had two different conversations on this topic and gained a great deal of insight about how we, as mothers, can view everything we take on. If you will consider looking at your life through this different lens it may give you great relief:

• You are not responsible for any one's life experience but your own.
  You have children, but you are not responsible for how they feel. You are here to be their guide. Your job is to help them understand their own "guidance system"— their feelings. And one of the biggest ways of guiding them is to pay attention to your own feelings.

I have been known to fix things and people; I can act as a "fixer." Not only is this an impossible task but it doesn't really help anyone in the long term. It gives me some temporary relief but then there is always the new thing to fix. It is draining and not serving me. The 'fixing' comes from the need to be responsible for another person's life— the need to feel needed and receive validation for your life.

Let's clarify: I think that if your toddler is about to run into traffic that you should go get her, ASAP!

This is not an excuse for negligence or abuse. Instead, it is the idea that you can't have control, nor should you have control, over another person's experience — even your own child. It is the idea that life unfolds and you can choose to focus on how you feel about the unfolding.

You can assist your children in dealing with life by asking them questions about their feelings; "How did you feel when you said that?" "What feelings came over you before you were shouting?" Help them connect with their own inner guidance and wisdom. When they ask for help, help them. But reflexively fixing stuff just sends the message that they should ignore their own guidance system, and that their feelings mean very little.

Feeling responsible for how they feel, and how they are doing, takes power away from their ability to tease that out for themselves.

You don't have to be the "fixer."

How does it feel to hear that statement? Is it a relief or is it threatening? Does it lift the burden or chip away at your identity? Knowing that you don't have to fix things can create more room for you to experience life. There is a freedom in knowing that you only need to observe the unfolding, and act from a place of love, instead of control and fear.


Rita Desnoyers-Garcia has devoted over 20 years to helping women discover and reach their full potential through coaching, classes, and workshops.

For more information and exercises for finding peace, self-worth, and abundance go to www.extraordinaryabundance.com, or join Rita & other mothers on Facebook at: Becoming Awake: The Meditating and Manifesting Mamas Project.

Rita may also be reached at rita.desnoyers@gmail.com.

This article first appeared on ezinearticles.com in 2010 and is reprinted with permission.
The opinions expressed here are those of the author.

It's the Human Race That's Failing to Progress— Not Me!

*An informed & estrogen-fueled rant
by Lisa Duggan

Thirty seven and heavy with child, and more
A belly so big I can’t see the floor
I’ve nested, I’ve Bradley-ed, Brazelton-ed, Sears-ed
I’m mid-wif-ed, I’m doula-ed, there’s nothing I fear!
I’ve passed all the tests save one, but no mind
(It’s just diabetes, the gestational kind)
I’ve expected for nine months birth without intervention

— but no one expects The Caesarean Section

I’m organic, I’m natural I’m whole and holistic
I won’t use any drugs or become a statistic
No shaving, no cutting, I’m taking a stand!
(If you have any doubts, please review my Birth Plan)
I’ll sit or I’ll squat, I’ll kneel and I’ll wail
Don’t bring me Pitocin, I’ll push when I feel
I’ve expected for nine months a most natural selection

— but no one expects The Caesarean Section

Nine hours of labor, I remain un-dilating
And in comes the OB to complain he’s been waiting!
“You’re overweight. You’re old. You’ve failed to progress.
I’ll assemble a team, I think surgery’s best.”
My husband and I, not sure what to do
When you’re ass-deep in labor, can you tell lies from truth?
So they cut me, they stitch me, they take her away
It all went so fast this unnatural birthday
I expected the pain, but not the incision

— no one expects The Caesarean Section

Days follow, of worry and wonder, and tears
Of nursing, of healing, of joy that she’s here
She’s healthy! She’s perfect! You oughta be grateful!
She is, and I am— can you take out the staples?
I try not to cry or number my losses
I know where I’m lucky, I know who the Boss is
But speaking of God, what does he have to say?
Of the thousands of babies we’re birthing this way
Is it medical hubris, or male condemnation,
to let women believe they are failing gestation?

Mothers, don’t let them convince us to fail
Take back your birthright and all it entails
Reject this new Myth, this awful conception

— that life is induced by Caesarean Section.

*I wrote this poem in April 2009 when the c-section birth rate for New Jersey was reported by the CDC to be 38.3%, and the national average 31.8%.

A March 23, 2010 article in the NY Times tells us that, unfortunately, this trend continues worldwide. In fact, the article states:

• "The rate in the United States is higher than those in most other industrialized countries. But rates have soared to 40 percent in some developing countries in Latin America, and the rates in Puerto Rico and China are approaching 50 percent."

Those numbers become more frightening when you also learn that women who have this surgery are four times more likely to die than women who give birth vaginally.

And compare our rates to the World Health Organization's recommendations:

• "The best outcomes for mothers and babies appear to occur with cesarean section rates of 5% to 10%. Rates above 15% seem to do more harm than good."
  

Consider too, that I gave birth to my beautiful daughter exactly seven years ago today, when the c-section rate in New Jersey was at 28%.

For any woman today who is pregnant, or contemplating pregnancy, we urge you to educate yourself fully about your options for birth, including all the risks associated with cesarean sections, and vaginal birth after cesarean section (VBAC), and suggest the following resources:

Childbirth Connection: http://www.childbirthconnection.org
A source for up-to-date, evidence-based information and resources on planning for pregnancy, labor and birth, and the postpartum period. Founded in 1918, Childbirth Connection is a national not-for-profit organization dedicated to improving the quality of maternity care.

VBAC.com: http://www.vbac.com
A woman-centered, evidence based, website providing childbearing women and maternity care professionals access to research-based information, resources, continuing education and support for VBAC* (vaginal birth after cesarean).

International Cesarean Awareness Network: http://www.ican-online.org
The International Cesarean Awareness Network, Inc. (ICAN) is a nonprofit organization that was founded by Esther Booth Zorn in 1982. ICAN’s mission is to prevent unnecessary cesareans through education, to provide support for cesarean recovery, and to promote VBAC. Information about local ICAN chapters can be found on the website.